


Her First True Kill

by jhunieilarde



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Post-Episode: s07e07 Orison
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:39:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27560125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhunieilarde/pseuds/jhunieilarde
Summary: Scully had shut down and refused to talk to Mulder about killing Pfaster.
Relationships: Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Comments: 1
Kudos: 28





	Her First True Kill

There is a difference when killing someone on the line of duty and just plain murder. Scully had known that from day one at the academy. It is a simple logic of right and wrong. In fact, she had known that since she was a little girl at church. It’s partly why she chose to become a medical doctor. She felt wrongly about taking someone else’s life so she wanted to fix it, to heal, to repair. At the same time, she couldn’t help herself but be drawn to the macabre. Her strong stomach in facing dead bodies alarmed her family at first but soon it became accepted because she’s gearing up to be a doctor but it’s more than that. She finds something thrilling and exhilarating in digging up in other people’s bodies and finding out the why’s and how’s of their deaths. Therefore, she ended up pursuing pathology and forensic medicine which led her to the FBI.

The first time she fired her weapon and killed someone, it was hard. It’s her first kill but it was valid. The man was about to shoot an innocent woman and so she did what she must do and saved that woman’s life. It did not feel right because it isn’t right in her vocabulary and in the belief system she was raised into but it did feel good to save someone. It felt good for another reason but she ignored that and buried that somewhere deep in her mind. Soon, it all became easier for her. She does not blink anymore when she’s firing her weapon. She stopped feeling guilty. It became normal for her, a part of her job.

This is different.

Killing Pfaster is different. Though she was attacked in her home by the monster who tried to kill her before, he was already caught when she saw him in her living room. Mulder was already there with his gun pointed at him and Pfaster was already rendered powerless. He knew then he was done. He was caught again but it did not stop her from marching in the room with her gun in her hand. As she stared into his pitch-black eyes filled with nothing but darkness, all she wanted was to extinguish them, to put an end to that endless void that sucked those poor women’s souls. Perhaps, if he had shown a littler remorse or a little hint of emotion, she may have not done it but she saw none. She just saw a monster, an evil standing right in front of her and she was taught to fight evil, to kill monsters…and that’s what she did.

Four shots were heard. She did not even plan to shoot him four times. It was all unconscious. Her body took over and the next thing she knew, Pfaster was already bleeding all over her floor. Her gun was still warm in her hand. The monster was gone. The evil had been extinguished. Then, she suddenly became aware of Mulder. She had forgotten he was there to rescue her and to a point, he did. He got Pfaster before she killed him. Mulder was looking at her in pure shock. She realized, she’s still holding her gun upwards to where Pfaster used to stand. It all came crashing down on her, what she’s done. She just shot an unarmed man in her apartment in the presence of another federal officer who already got him. It was not self-defense. It was an execution.

“Scully”, he muttered and he took a step forward and took the gun away from her hand.

Did he think she would shoot him as well?

“He’s bleeding all over my living room floor”, was the first thing she said after her crime.

Only a cold-hearted person will say that, right? Mulder mistook that as shock. He said she’s detaching herself. He’s profiling her and she doesn’t like it. Mulder had called the police and promised her to take care of everything and she let him. He ushered her back to her room so she could change and his breath almost stopped when he saw the state her bedroom was in. It was an absolute mess. The blood on her pajama top was becoming visible in his eyes. Her back was bleeding after Pfaster had slammed her repeatedly against the mirror.

The police came as well as the medic who looked after Scully. She did not even flinch as they stitched her up without anesthesia. She was just numb. While Mulder was busy lying to the police about what happened, she decided she needed to get out of her pajama. It wasn’t presentable to wear in front of other people. Her first thought was to go to her bathroom but she was only left frozen when she saw all her candles lit inside. The bathtub was still filled with water. The bubbles had subsided but she could still smell the scent of her shampoo and bath gel.

Scully had no idea how long she was left standing there but when she snapped out of it, she left the bathroom, not wanting to look at it ever again and went back to her messed up room. That’s when Mulder followed her and told her everything’s going to be alright. How many times did she hear it before?

“Don’t you want to change first before we leave?” he asked while looking at her blood-stained pajamas.

“I’ll do it at the hotel. I don’t want to go inside my bathroom”, she answered flat.

He knew why. He saw how her bathroom looked. It was already setup for her death and he could not help but clenched his fists in anger.

“Come on, then. We are free to go”, he said and she came with him like a programmed robot.

She went inside his car and did not say anything at all. Mulder knew she wanted to stay in a hotel but he didn’t trust her to be alone right now so he brought her to his apartment.

“This is not the hotel, Mulder”, she muttered.

“I know but in here, you will not be alone”, he said.

“I wanted to be alone right now, Mulder”, she insisted.

“That’s alright. You can have the bedroom to yourself. That’s plenty enough space to be alone. I sleep on the couch anyway and if you need anything else, I am one call away. I promise not to bother you or make any noise to annoy you”, he replied.

She couldn’t come up with any argument to battle his offer so she relented. Mulder just wanted to make sure she would be alright. He wanted her close to keep an eye on her. Of course, he was worried that someone might want to attack her again but at the same time, he’s worried about her state. He just saw her fired her weapon on Pfaster four times without blinking, without warning. She had never done that before. There was a look of realization after that but then, she shut down and made some comments about her floor. He didn’t want her to shut down but he knew her. It’s her way of dealing with things so keeping her close was the only way he could think of to take care of her.

Scully stayed at Mulder’s bedroom and spent the entire night staring at the ceiling. _She killed a man_ , she repeated in her brain. _She really killed a man_. It was a crime. It was a sin…and yet, she felt nothing about it. She tried to dig deep and search for guilt or remorse or regret but she found none. She tried self-blaming but it didn’t work either. She’s just…numb.

Skinner found out about the incident and he had ordered her to take a few days off. Normally, she would have protested to that but she just didn’t have it in her to argue so she said yes much to Mulder’s surprise. He did want her to take a few days off but he expected her to at least explain like what she usually does but she didn’t. She just accepted it and it surprised Skinner too.

“How’s she holding up, Agent Mulder?” Skinner asked when Scully had left his office.

“I absolutely don’t know. Pfaster had done a number on her years ago and he did it again. She’s not saying a word about it and she doesn’t want to talk about it or about anything. She’s just shutting down”, Mulder answered honestly.

Skinner sighed.

“I knew you lied to your statement at the police and don’t worry, I don’t blame you. I would personally shoot that monster myself if she hadn’t and I am sure you will do the same too. All I want to say is, be patient with her. Though she had used her weapon before in this job, this is the first time she had actually meant to use it. It’s a different kind of demon to tackle, Agent Mulder. Trust me. I went through it in my war days. Scully is not a soldier and people got different ways to deal with it. Hers is keeping everything else away. Don’t give up on her”, he said.

“I will never, sir”, Mulder replied.

The rest did nothing to Scully. She did not stay numb forever but she got used to feeling nothing that she would rather stay feeling it than confront what she’d done so she compartmentalized everything. Good thing about being in mandatory leave was that Mulder’s not with her. Her smoking habit had kicked off in its full speed and she consumed pack after pack. She tried to hide it from Mulder but he could smell it as soon as he opened the door no matter how much air freshener she sprayed. She started picking up the drinking vice too. Mulder noticed his stock of beer was diminishing followed by his stock of wine.

He thought it’s part of her process. She’s working through it finally but she still refused to talk about it and she’s pushing him away. She barely talks to him anymore and yet, she doesn’t intend to leave his apartment either despite hers being ready for her to move back. Mulder does not know where to stand with her. _Be patient._ It’s what he keeps telling himself, but his patience is running thin.

“Scully, we need to talk”, he said.

“We are talking”, she replied.

They’re sitting side by side on the sofa watching something on the television none of them really paying attention to. He knows she’s not really watching because her stare is almost blank.

“We’ve been doing this for almost a month now. I have given you time to process what happened but we have to talk about it. You have to let it out of you so you can feel better. Smoking and drinking will not make it go away. It’s still there when it’s over. Just talk to me”, he insisted.

“Mulder, I don’t want to talk about it”, she muttered under her breath.

“So what do you want to do, Scully? Why are you here for?” he asked.

She glared at him and picked herself up. “You could have just said it if you don’t want me here anymore. It’s not that hard to say it”, she said as she went to the bedroom and he heard her unzipping her bag.

“It’s not what I meant, Scully”, he followed her to the bedroom, “I was not asking you to leave. I was asking you to let me in. I will not judge you. You know that. I would have done it if you hadn’t. When I saw what he did to you for the second time, I wanted to do it myself but you beat me into it. Just talk to me. Allow yourself to feel again. I promise not to let you drown in it because I am here”, he explained.

He’s not sure if she’s considering it but she paused packing but then she resumed doing it without looking at him.

“I’ll be back to work next week. I’ll see you at the office”, she said and walked past him.

He wanted to grab her arm and yank her back but that would only push her farther away from him and so he let her go. _Patience._

Going back to her apartment hit her differently. She did not expect it too but then it did. Everything is fresh for her. She remembered every detail of that night so vividly which made her open up a bottle of one of her finest wine on stock and devoured it without glass. She willed herself to go numb again but she can’t. She needed to tamper the waves and so she kept on drinking and drinking and smoking and then drinking again. If it puts her to sleep, she wouldn’t have any dreams at all because she was too out of it and it’s the only way she could sleep without seeing his face.

Meanwhile, Mulder waited by the phone, hoping she would call him like what she used to do before. He thought calling her but that would be pushing it again so he didn’t. He had not heard from her the entire weekend and it worried him. Mulder had called her landlord just to check. He was assured that Scully was still alive because he just saw her ordered a box of pizza and it was enough to calm his nerves for now but not entirely.

The next time he saw her was her first day back. It took him by surprise because she was…cheerful.

“What’s gotten into you, Mulder? Come on, we got a big day ahead of us”, she said.

Something’s not right. They got called in Georgetown after a man was found dead in an alley. It was not an X File but they were asked to investigate it as the VCU got their hands full. Scully had excused herself for a moment after seeing the corpse and then she returned and she’s fine again. He was hesitant to let her do the autopsy but it’s her job and there’s no one else to do it in the same level that she does.

When the autopsy was over, she came to talk to him and the local police to tell them that the cause of death was the bullet that pierced the man’s right lung. It was a case of mugging. Plain and simple. The day could have ended better if the wind hadn’t blown in the right direction, and Mulder caught that particular scent coming off of Scully. Her perfume failed to hide it and once the local police were out of sight, he quickly grabbed her arm and took her away to a corner.

“What’s wrong with you, Mulder?” she asked.

“What’s wrong with me? What is wrong with you, Scully? You showed up here on the job while intoxicated? Are you trying to get yourself fired?” he exclaimed.

He knew then he was right when she did not say anything. She just looked furious at being caught. Scully had pushed him away and went straight to her car and drove off.

“Fuck!” he swore and tried to follow her but the local police called because they got papers needed to be signed.

Scully knew it’s not good to drink on the field but when she saw the dead man on the ground, her eyes wouldn’t stop playing tricks on her that it was Pfaster dead on her living room floor because she had killed him. She went to the bathroom and took a few gulps from her flask hidden underneath her blazer for liquid courage before she faced the corpse again. During autopsy, the alcohol was the only thing that got her through it. Her findings are solid. She’s sure of that. She just wished Mulder hadn’t found out about it because now, she felt ashamed.

She started drinking some more just to drown the embarrassment. Perhaps, it is not the guilt that she’s running away from or the fact that she had committed a sin. It was the shame of Mulder having to witness what she’s done, what she’s capable of that she wanted to cast away. She couldn’t bring herself to talk to him because how could she? Would it be right to tell him how she felt when she shot Pfaster in front of him? Would it be right to tell him that she felt nothing about the crime, that she felt no remorse or regret whatsoever? What would he think of her? He must have already thought of her as something cold and if she told him that, he would think she’s arctic. She had let him down. She had disappointed her partner, the only person that matters. That is something even the alcohol couldn’t chase away.

When Mulder got in her apartment using his own key, he found her stumbling in the kitchen. There’s a bottle of whisky spilling on the floor and he ignored it and picked her up instead.

“I got you”, he said and scooped her up.

“You shouldn’t be here, Mulder. It’s a tainted place”, she muttered.

She’s oozing with alcohol and it’s not even five o’clock. There are few empty bottles of alcohol in her room and he knew what she had been doing during the weekend.

Her bathroom has already been cleaned up and her bathtub has been removed. Mulder got a clean towel and dampened it with warm water before returning to the bedroom. To his surprise, Scully began sobbing when he touched her face.

“Sshhh…it’s alright. I’m here, Scully”, he said.

“You shouldn’t be. I am a murderer. I killed him and I felt nothing about it. I am a coldblooded murderer. I am so sorry”, her apology caught him off guard. “I let you down, Mulder. I am such a disappointment. You just saw a monster killed another monster. I am so sorry you have to see that”, she blurted out before she passed out.

After everything she went through, the thing that bothered her the most is him? She was more worried about what he thinks of her and if she had let him down? Mulder couldn’t help but feel for her. No monster can be that way. He understood now why she refused to talk to him. She thought the way he sees her changed but she was so wrong. Mulder gently removed the hair from her face and continued dabbing the towel on her skin.

“You did not let me down, Scully. You could never. You are not a monster, far from it. You are human who went through a lot. I will never leave you and I vowed to protect you until my last breath. I promise”, he swore and though she can’t hear him, he will prove that to her for the rest of their lives.


End file.
